Terri: Hi, I’m Terri Suresh. Welcome back to the Wellness Curve. I’m here with The Relationship Coach and menglish expert, Andrea Jones. We were talking a little bit about the workplace and how women can’t understand and learn this culture difference, this menglish in the workplace to create harmony in the workplace. Let’s get a little bit back into that topic and just wrap that up a little bit. I finished a thought when you were speaking because sometimes I think a lot of women can take what we’re saying as we’re going backwards to the 50s in the States where we were just waiting on men hand and foot. That’s not what you’re teaching at all. Let’s just make sure that’s all very, very clear.
Andrea: The States is a country which is wonderful when it comes to equal opportunity. We have equal rights and we should have equal rights. I’m not taking anything away from that that women can vote and have those positions, not at all. However, we’re not the same. We have equal rights but we’re not the same. If you forget about those differences we have, that’s when the problem starts.
A woman can be powerful and successful – and should be. But don’t give up who you are as a woman. When you’re not true to yourself, that’s very stressful. You find a lot of women in high positions in corporate America having heart attacks and everything else because they are really so stressed all day because they are not true to themselves. So be true to yourself and use your female qualities and bring them to the table.
Terri: When you say “female qualities,” let’s differentiate that and make sure everyone understands we’re not talking about manipulation and those kinds of female qualities.
Andrea: No. We’re not talking about having low cut dresses on to get yourself up. No. We’re not talking about that at all. Just being aware of how you communicate with men and women differ in having those qualities. We’re very caring when it comes to each other. Women care for each other. We ask questions. For example, we talk about the “How are you?” We do that with other women: “Your hair looks nice,” or “How is your child?” There’s a lot of communication there that men don’t do. If you understand as a man that women do that, you don’t ask the question or think she’s wasting her time.
I have an example of a CO of a big company, one of his executive leaders was female. He told me, “I wish she would talk less. She’s so successful. She came into this company, she turned it around, and she’s so successful but she talks a lot to the other women. If she cut that talking short and would do more business, we’d be even more successful.”
I told him, “No, because if she doesn’t talk to the other women anymore, they’re not going to like her.”
Women feel connected to each other when we talk to each other. So as a woman, I have to understand that I need to talk to the other women more, but don’t share all the information with a man because then he might think I’m scattered brain and I’m all over the place, and I’m just sharing information.
Terri: So men just want to the point, the facts, cut to the chase, give me the information, we don’t want to over talk it and chit-chatty because they stop listening. Correct?
Andrea: Yeah. And it’s not all men. You have to be careful because it’s not a cliché that every man is like this and every woman is like this. But when you are aware where the majority of men – we’re talking about the bell curve, the majority (there are always exceptions to the rule) – and when you understand those rules that they go by, it’s a lot easier to adapt yourself and act in a certain way.
Again, not to manipulate anybody else; just to be aware when you talk to a man, give him the point first and then give him a little bit more. If he wants more, he’s going to ask you. But don’t start with the whole process and you go all over the place. With a woman, I need that. As a woman, I want to understand.
Another example is as a woman, we tend to ask the question “why?” Don’t ask that with a man because the man thinks I’m questioning the end result. As a woman, I just want to understand the process. Certain things are just a little different. If you understand them, though, it makes a big difference.
Terri: When you speak to “When a woman is in a man’s world, don’t become like a man – that doesn’t work,” what do you mean by that?
Andrea: It’s funny that other countries have shown the Unites States how it’s done. Look at countries that are considered very macho like Brazil. They have a female president. Germany has had a chancellor. We don’t have a president (we have a president, but not the same authority). Our chancellor has been a woman for years.
Are those strong women? Yes, of course. They are very strong women, but they don’t try to become a man. They use their qualities to get into those positions. So don’t try to copy a man in your leadership style. If we can get them to work together – men and women – with their qualities that they bring to the table, then you outperform other companies.
Terri: That’s what you focus on when you’re doing your speaking.
Terri: Just really quickly going back to home and personal relationships, let’s wrap this up and tie a little bow around some of those similar concepts at home when the man comes home from work and we want to chit-chat and he doesn’t and what that means. We take it very personally.
Andrea: Exactly. We build relationships through communication. Communication is our key to build a relationship. If I like you, I’m going to talk to you. So when the husband comes home from work and you ask him, “How was your day?” and he answers “Great,” and then you ask him another question “How was that meeting?” “Good.” “And what did you do?” “Nothing.”
Those three short answers give us the signal he is mad at us, he is irritated or he’s angry, while on the other hand he after the first question says, “I told her how my day was. Why is she asking me any more question? Why is she interrogating me with the light on me asking me all those things?”
Men, because they are very focused on one thing, they’re very single-focused, they think in compartments, he might still be in his work mode. He’s in work mode then he is in drive mode and then he is in home mode. Give him some time to transition. A lot of men disappear in the bathroom or in the garage or in the fitness studio and work out just to get out of work mode to be then in private mode. Give them that time. Then also share with him “I need to feel connected to you. Can you share a little bit more?” If a man understands that you need that to feel connected, he will share with you.
Terri: But give him that time first.
Andrea: Give him that time when he comes home.
Terri: You do some coaching personal with relationships and in corporations with relationships. Can you just tell us really quickly how people can get in contact with you? How do we set things up if we want to talk to you, do workshops, etc.?
Andrea: You can call us or you can send us a message through the website. Contact us and tell us what you’re interested in. We coach individuals like you said – from the mom to the corporate executive, anywhere in between, mom who has problems with the kids or in her relationship or in corporate America – and then we do a lot of speaking in corporate seminars so companies can reach out to us there too.
Terri: Thank you so much for coming. I always learn so much from you even in the short amount of time we’ve had. Wonderful. Reach out to Andrea, she’s amazing. Thank you for joining us and have a wonderful rest of your day.